A recent NYT article showed Heber was ranked 5th for new move-ins during the pandemic. But what do we actually know about Heber and the Heber Valley and why would anyone in their right mind actually want to visit, let alone move to, such a place?
THE PEOPLE
OK, let’s get the obvious out of the way. If you find yourself walking the streets of Heber Valley, you will certainly encounter other humans. Those humans will very likely attempt a “hello” or a “good morning”. Eye contact, verbal communication, smiles with visible teeth and lips. Ewwww. Prefer not to get acquainted with your neighbors? Good luck. Might as well try waltzing into the local Granny’s Drive In without ten minutes later shoving a huge Grasshopper shake down your gullet. Ain’t going to happen.
2. WAY TOO COLD
You’ve probably seen videos of people enjoying sunny, warm weather in the Heber Valley. Snopes tells us those clips were likely filmed in San Diego. The average summer temperature in the Heber Valley hovers around negative 5 degrees Fahrenheit, and in January it dips to 0 Kelvin, freezing your eyeballs in their very sockets the instant you step outside. Old timers say there’s a family of ice fishers frozen solid at the bottom of Deer Creek this very day.
3. SMELLS. LIKE. POOP.
Cows, grass, mountains, streams, lakes – what an unfortunate combo for some wild smells. This is bad news if you’re hoping for that nostalgic bus exhaust, winter inversion, or smog, your lungs have grown accustomed to inhaling over the years.
4. GOODBYE SAVINGS ACCOUNT, HELLO RV
A recent (informal) poll of those living in the Heber Valley shows the ratio of recreational vehicles to adults is a shocking 5:1. If you’re a responsible American and truly value keeping your hard-earned money in your checking account, do not move to Heber. Just take a gander inside any garage, or behind any vinyl fence and you’ll spot one RV next to two snowmobiles, parked beside a boat. Sadly, “these people” place an alarmingly high priority on getting outside in the most fun (expensive) way possible. You should be aware of this trend before moving to, or even visiting, the area.
5. YOU WILL PROBABLY GET EATEN BY WILDLIFE
If you love hiking beautiful trails while surrounded by 16 other hikers, half of which think it’s a cool idea to share their latest Spotify finds with anyone within earshot, we’ve got disappointing news for you – that’s not a thing in Heber. The lack of ‘sick’ bass drops from your fellow hikers while admiring a beautiful mountain vista is just something you have to get used to. And best of luck convincing that cute mountain lion not to eat you when you’re the only biped visible for miles.
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